Family

September 26, 2017

Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine. We started to talk about families and kids. Before Courtland was born, I always wanted to have a house full of kids, like four but apparently that was not meant to be.

When Courtland was about two, we were informed of the diagnosis of cerebral palsy. Shortly thereafter, we made the decision not to have any more children. That was a really painful decision. Several times throughout the course of the following years, I felt incomplete. I felt like we were not a real family because we only had one child. I mourned the loss of the child I never had. It was painful...

About two years ago, we looked into our options for expanding our family. Again we were excited and had even started picking out names. Unfortunately, because of circumstances beyond our control, our dream of having another child was unable to come to fruition.

I think I would be remiss here if I didn't address the insecurity that I felt. I felt like less... according to me, and that image of family that I had contrived in my head, I wasn't enough because I didn't have that house full of kids that I had always dreamed of. (I realize now that that is SO WRONG!) 

Then something wonderful happened. In 2017, my sister had a baby. I was at my sister's house and got to hold the new baby and NOTHING... I didn't feel remotely maternal, or gush with oohs and aahhs, and best of all, I realized that me and my husband and our son are a family unit, even though our son doesn't have siblings. Our son has cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. He is LOVED and that is all that matters!

It makes no difference that we don't have more children; and coming to that realization has been a very freeing experience, because it has allowed me to be grateful for what I do have, an awesome kid whom I love like crazy!